He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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