broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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