if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
