if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
