i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
