Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
