why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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