I am puke
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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