Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
