Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My liver just had a heart attack.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
