Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
