Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize