chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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