I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
