When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
