the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
