Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
