Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
