i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm passing your future prison.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize