Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
