She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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