I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
