Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
