oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
