Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
