Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
