Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
