I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
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