How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
