Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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