just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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