My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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