Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
