I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
