i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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