My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
