Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ketchup is God's man juice
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
