My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
