so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
