we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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