TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
