Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize