did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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