Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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