I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I seem to have left my pride at pride
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
