I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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