just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
