im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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