If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
