You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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