oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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