It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
