your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
