remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
