I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
